Modern Day Parenting
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<p>Interesting .</p>
<p>I am a quite a permissive parent. My kids often get to make decisions, but there are always consequences and I never bail them out of them. When it goes pear shaped, I am usually very sympathetic but dont help them avoid the consequence. The are fast learning that good choices have good consequences and bad ones have bad ones.</p>
<p>Classic example today, they spent all morning bagging up plums.... bagged up 50 bags, then this afternoon started to sell them on the roadside. Daughter 5 bailed quite early, Son 7 stuck at it for HOURS. When it came to sharing the cash.... he got far more. Daughter was upset.... tough. She ended up being very upset at her decision to quit early. He was stoked and is planning an epic Lego purchase. I was sympathetic to my daughter, but secretly stoked as the boy deserved his cash, and she deserved a lesson for laziness.</p>
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<p>I reckon she will get through cruising, she is very very clever and a real confident person, can entertain herself for ages and very empathetic. But she is a bit more likely to quit and get 'tired', she also handles punishment far to easily.</p>
<p>He on the hand gets genuinely upset if he has done something wrong. But by god does he have determination, he will spend hours days and weeks practicing some new skill, just will not stop. Played rugby this year first time, he is a slow runner, scored bugger all tries and was generally just making up numbers.. until he figured out that defense got claps as well.... and he just practiced ripping and made it his thing. Every single possession he would just sprint after the opposition, and then sprint back, it was like the coach had him on remote control. Back and forward back and forward and back and forward. Won the defense player award for the season, didn't care about not scoring tries. Wont ever be as smart as his sister, but I think he might do better, he has far more stickability than I ever had. Her is the same with tennis. Was playing once a week, begged to do twice, and then three.. then we had to say enough.. he is just always hitting a ball and practicing.</p>
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<p>One tip we have with siblings is holding hands. If we are ever unsure over who did what to whom, or just cannot be bothered finding out... they have to sit facing each other and hold both hands and look at each other. And they stay like that until they have gotten over it. If one takes the piss, or wont do it properly, that one gets punished and the other can go. Just the threat of it works to quell disputes now.</p> -
<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="Baron Silas Greenback" data-cid="550818" data-time="1451982847">
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<p>One tip we have with siblings is holding hands. If we are ever unsure over who did what to whom, or just cannot be bothered finding out... they have to sit facing each other and hold both hands and look at each other. And they stay like that until they have gotten over it. If one takes the piss, or wont do it properly, that one gets punished and the other can go. Just the threat of it works to quell disputes now.</p>
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<p>Oh that's good. I'm using that.</p> -
<p>yeah I am gonna try it tomorrow, cos I know the opportunity will arise. </p>
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<p>Some tough stories here. As parents we all try to do our best and then better of us worry constantly that it's not good enough. I have two girls who are now both grown up (still a financial drag of course). First one is very arty and is currently in her final year of a fine arts degree at Slade (which I am told is one of the better art schools - but what do I know), so she's doing well. But by the cringe did she put us through some shit in her mid to late teens. Where we live most schools do not have a 6th form, so it's off to college (not University - please note American friends). This was a big change for her and we didn't notice this until it was nearly too late. New "exciting" friends, attentive boy friend who was into drugs, lack of pastoral care at the college in comparison to the previous school. We had to take her out of college after one term and get her into a private school the following academic year. A looong bad few months as we managed to persuade her that doing that much skunk was not doing her any good and the fucking low life tosser of a boyfriend was a waste of a lot of pasty skin. In the end it wasn't us that provided the turning point but a psychotic episode on the weed that did it.</p>
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<p>No2 daughter by comparison has been a breeze which always begs the question "why?" We did our best to treat them both the same, give them the same love and attention etc. Is it the age old nature v nurture question? Eventually we came to the conclusion that it is down to many factors - nature plays its part, On reflection, try as we did you do not treat them the same. You learn lessons the first time around that you don't need to learn again which has a bearing. Then there is the second child's learned responses to the first child's behaviour. Peer groups play a significant part too, plus opportunities that may arise for one but not the other - both good and bad. And of course just plain luck.</p>
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<p>In the end you just have to plug away doing what you think is best and constantly re-evaluate yourselves.</p>
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<p>A good friend of mine that had his first child a few months before my first was born described having a kid as like getting the best Christmas present ever but you get to unwrap it every day and it's always a little different. The first few years are generally like that but in the longer run things can be a lot harder. All I will say is that the perseverance is worth it when you see them turn out OK.</p> -
<p>We are in the grips of toddler hell in my house. Only 18 months between them, youngest is coming up to two but doesn't yet speak much, oldest never shuts up. We don't do the smacking thing as though it may have worked on me, I'll be dammed if I am going to turn into my old man. Who used intimidation and violence to resolve everything. I get a fair amount of stick from the inlaws about being too tough on them, especially with things like manners and following instructions. I get the feeling they don't appreciate that to get those moments of good behavior on their own initiative, which they love so much, don't happen by chance. Its because I spent countless hours reminding them and reinforcing those behaviors.</p>
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<p>The biggest issue we have is tantrums the youngest has damn near knocked himself out flinging himself to the floor in the bathroom, or in the car park. But just won't learn to stay on his feet. The eldest could do something in 30 seconds like put his shoes on but would rather spend 15 minutes in his room screaming about it first. </p>
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<p>They fight a bit but as the younger is a bit of a go nuclear type I think the eldest is starting to get the idea that you don't go round poking wild animals with a stick or it will end badly. Funny story when they were both at creche together last year, some older kid was pushing round my youngest. So my eldest told the boy off and gave him a verbal, I never saw it coming as he is quiet shy and he told me he did it in French, I was very proud of him though. So I asked did the boy listen to you, he said no. I said did you go and tell the teacher then, he said no I didn't because he did it again and my brother attacked him. I would like to think that will continue as they get older but know they will have their ups and downs.</p>
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<p>We go pretty easy with the toys and tv I never had those as a kid so they were always a treat for me. They love BBC documentaries and ask for them a lot. My wife uses that sometimes when she needs some peace to get something done, I guess its better then cartoons. But I prefer to keep it for special occasions.</p>
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<p>As others have said its nice to know that others have the same issues and I have not been cursed with demon spawn!</p> -
Mooshld at the Insistence of the ex I went to a fathers group one night, they were all a bunch of whining twats apart from the guy running the group who had raised his son by himself. He described how he ended the public tantrums , his son tyres himself down on the ground at a supermarket because his dad wouldn't buy him chocolates so he did the same thing waving his arms and legs in the air and moaning. He said within seconds his son was standing next to him tugging his shirt tling him to stop. He reckoned that ended the tantrums .<br><br>
The other guys were wimps moaning about how dad's are made to look stupid in ads on TV , I never went back . I'm surprised their wives/partners were able to conceive at all from such effeminate stock. -
<p>I went to a "dads" lunch organised by the eldest's school. Everyone ate steak, drank heaps of beers, and talked about sport and horse racing. You just got lucky i guess...</p>
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That's what I was expecting , instead I got a dozen or so whining she males . They had pizzas and few beers but it was a token effort at best . We were asked to talk to the guy next to is about our relationship with our fathers, my dad was a Wahine survivor and has all the issues you'd expect with an experience like that but there was no way I was discussing that , the twat next to me started off his ten minute tirade with " my father is a scientist and was the result of a hole in a condom somy father had to get a reliable income instead of doing the study he enjoyed and I always sensed a distance between us because of it...........". Snivelling weirdo, build a bridge ffs was running through my head he whole time.<br><br>
Winger if you're reading this his dad obviously wasnt .on the climate change gravy train -
<p>that's his own fault, they're just giving money away to keep that rolling.</p>
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<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="mariner4life" data-cid="550900" data-time="1452034790"><p>that's his own fault, they're just giving money away to keep that rolling.</p></blockquote>
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True I'm not sure if the gravy train was around 40 years ago though. He actually sounded like a good dad to me , putting his plans on hold to create a stable home for his ingrate of a son. -
<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="jegga" data-cid="550896" data-time="1452032560">
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<p>Mooshld at the Insistence of the ex I went to a fathers group one night, they were all a bunch of whining twats apart from the guy running the group who had raised his son by himself. He described how he ended the public tantrums , his son tyres himself down on the ground at a supermarket because his dad wouldn't buy him chocolates so he did the same thing waving his arms and legs in the air and moaning. He said within seconds his son was standing next to him tugging his shirt tling him to stop. He reckoned that ended the tantrums .</p>
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<p>I've had tremendous success from doing that. Kids seem amazed that you'd behave in the same way and then immediately stop. I don't know if it's embarrassment or their synapses are overwhelmed by wondering wtf you're crying about.</p>
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<p>I also noticed how kids who fall over or otherwise hurt themselves tend to wait on the reaction of parents before crying; if they're laughed at and ignored, all other things being equal they won't cry.</p> -
<p>next time your cat throws a tanty, get it on cam and upload to Youtube, people love that shit!</p>
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<p>Fortunately, only sulky behavior has been the extent of my kids tanty's, and they are made aware that everyone in the shop is looking at them and their sulkiness, I also told them about peripheral vision so they knew even if the person didn't seem like they were looking, they were.</p> -
<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="jegga" data-cid="550770" data-time="1451970910">
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<p>The school decided my son was the problem , probably because that was the easy route. First they said he had Asperger's , went a specialist who said " wtf are they talking about?" ( I'm paraphrasing here) , then they decided he had behavioural problems and made him do this course about how to deal with his anger. Then they decided I might be to blame , interviewed me and the woman running the course what I did with my son in a typical weekend. I pulled out my phone and showed her photos of us swimmng with a pod of dolphins and my boy catching his first kingfish ( that was an awesome weekend, obviously not a typical one), I got a sour look from her in response . Anyway I thought thinks had settled down on the bullying front but in fact they had got worse and he was so low I was really worried about him. His mum , him and I had a sit down with him and got him to tell us what was going on. It was pretty hard to hear what these little shits were getting away with . We told him he had to take up a sport , to get him meeting other people and more active and a big talk about self respect . Lastly him and I went to mymother in law who used to run anti bullying program's in schools ( I know I should have done this earlier) and she backed up what I was saying about self respect and how you carry yourself and feel about yourself can make you a target .<br>
He chose boxing , on the first session the coach told all the kids if he found out they were bullying of hitting other kids they'd get kicked out. He lost weight and got fit which helped his self esteem as well, he doesn't get bullied anymore thank fuck and he's a lot happier (mostly when he's winding me up but that's another story I guess). He's still boxing, this will be his third year .<br><br>
The little shits that were bullying him who were apparently not the problem? One if them stomped on a kids wrist and almost broke it and thd other one barely turns up to school and they are both stoners at 13 years old . I realise schools have limited options when dealing with bullies bug making out to my boy that there was something wrong with him stank , the more sympathetic side of me says those little shits are going to be train wrecks as adults and intervening earlier might have avoided that.</p>
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<p>Damn that's gut-wrenching. Great to hear he's doing well now. Poor bugger.</p>
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<p>Shows how important sport can be to getting kids fit and building their confidence.</p> -
<p>Bloody fascinating read this, no kids for me, just out of a long term relationship so still a good few years away. The bullying and fighting thing has always intrigued me with kids, I was tiny at highschool so was an easy target, this unfortunately coincided with my parents divorce so was a pretty dark time which I nearly didn't get through. Looking back years later I realised that I just needed to stand up for myself but I was conditioned at home, school and church not to do that. Now I wonder if I had a kid who was being bullied what my advice would be. Part of me would be wanting to tell him to smack the kid as hard as he can in the nose, but of course the flip side of that is what if he got a taste for that sort of power and became as bad as the bullies. I certainly don't envy your job as parents, I love babysitting my nephew and nieces but it's always easier when you can give them back!</p>
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<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="Rembrandt" data-cid="550949" data-time="1452048054">
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<p>. Part of me would be wanting to tell him to smack the kid as hard as he can in the nose,</p>
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<p>My mum told me to do that when I was 5 years old as the neighbour was bullying me for probably only a day. The next day whack! popped him right in the nose when he started up. That was the end of the bullying. I never had it in me to bully others so didn't effect me.</p> -
<p>only time I have thrown a punch in anger was when I was in Standard 4, and a kid had been bullying some little kids, so I hit him...got called into the headmasters office the next day, he looked at me, smiled and said 'well done' but please don't do it again.</p>
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<p>Many years later (as in about 8 years ago) we were having issues with our neighbours, I went round at midnight to ask them to turn the music down, and the brother of the losers living there said hey I know you...guess who it was!</p>
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<p>Haha, he never said anything so who knows if he remembered, but his bro-in-law, I later found out was ex-Black Power (we've since moved)</p> -
<p>I was bullied at school as a 7 year old, got punched in the face a few times at school including a bleeding nose, but the teachers did nothing when I complained. I told a friend about it and asked him what to do, so he showed me - he walked straight over to this bully, grabbed him by the shoulders and kneed him between the legs, and left him writhing on the ground. The next time this little punk started up, I grabbed him by the shoulders and kneed him between the legs, and left him writhing on the ground. Never had an issue again.</p>
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<p>If I have kids, my current theory is to teach them self-defence/martial arts, and teach them to tell me and complain to the school, but if that doesn't work, to give them permission to let the bully have it.</p> -
<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="Godder" data-cid="550966" data-time="1452056672">
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<p>I was bullied at school as a 7 year old, got punched in the face a few times at school including a bleeding nose, but the teachers did nothing when I complained. I told a friend about it and asked him what to do, so he showed me - he walked straight over to this bully, grabbed him by the shoulders and kneed him between the legs, and left him writhing on the ground. The next time this little punk started up, I grabbed him by the shoulders and kneed him between the legs, and left him writhing on the ground. Never had an issue again.</p>
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<p>If I have kids, my current theory is to teach them self-defence/martial arts, and teach them to tell me and complain to the school, but if that doesn't work, to give them permission to let the bully have it.</p>
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<p>Yep - the three stages of suppressing a bully: Ignore, Tell, Retaliate. </p> -
I wasn't sure how much traction this thread would get but it's been a really good read. Thanks for the honest replies and opinions guys, none of the bullshit "my kids are perfect and I'm the greatest parent ever" crap you get elsewhere. It is good to know I am not the only one with a child bordering on insane, and that others have many of the same concerns that I do.<br><br>
Reading this reminds me of what a colleague said when I told him my wife was pregnant. "Don't worry mate, they say it's only hard for the first 21 years..." I don't think he was joking in hindsight.
