Happiness Scale

canefan

@Rancid-Schnitzel Not that it's any consolation, but you win mate. Hands down. You deserve for shit to go your way, I hope RS Jnr pulls his head out of his arse in time

nzzp

@MN5 said in Happiness Scale:

I ... a 2am Burger King run from the hotel. The amount of feral munters in central Auckland causing shit, scrapping and being arrested was so eye opening.

hell yes. Crazy isn't it - the place genuinely goes feral. Makes me feel old when we're intermittently out in it

JK

Interesting thread.

In short it's been a tough, well odd, old year but all things considered I'm pretty happy with where I and my family are at.

The thread actually reminded me of my 'brag list' and writing one is something I encourage people to do. It's not often until you get a few things down on paper that you realise actually how much you have t o be proud of and how good things actually are. I looked back on mine yesterday and probably hadn't for about a year. I only edited a couple of the items but still said to myself 'Fark yeah!' so life is pretty good.

dogmeat

Really interesting thread. Thanks everyone for sharing. I guess I should do the same.

I've always been a positive sort of person, but I find that being challenged as I get older. I think because shit keeps getting heaped on when I was planning for things to get easier.

My wife developed MS in her early 30's which got pretty bad to the extent she had to give up work and was in a wheelchair by 38. I spent the next 10 years as the sole earner and a pretty much full time carer too. Would get meals ready for her before I went to work Get up in middle of night to hoist her out of bed etc but eventually it got to the stage where she had to go into full time care as I couldn't cope any more on a diet of four hours sleep a night and she was only getting worse. Hadn't had a holiday for ten years and was working 70 hour weeks.

Massive guilt that she is in a home though. visit about 3 x week.

Then I met someone. More guilt. Both towards wife and new partner because she would like to move in together etc and I'm not prepared to go that far.

Job has become deeply unsatisfying but is well rewarded and at my age - basically hanging out for retirement. Life is work, go for a walk in evening drink too much sleep with weekends with new partner.

She has had a really tough last few years. Was made redundant and took six months to find a new job during which time I helped out financially obviously. Got a new job which she doesnt like and which pays much less so continued to support her. She had first grandson who was born with brain damage so got to spend lots of time at Akl Hospital. Fortunately he's now two and seems to be OK. His mother has had three miscarriages this year. Both of my partners other kids have had issues a bit beyond the normal kids I think. which places immense stress on her.

Her parents are now in their 90's with ongoing health issues but fiercely independent but really can't cope living independently but won't go into a retirement home. So our weekends are a non stop merry go round of visiting kids and parents to sort out their various issues.

Two weeks ago partners mother was hospitalised with a stroke from a brain bleed. Her husband is beside himself . It's sweet to see him just wanting to sit and hold her hand for hours on end but not so sweet to find cupboards full of (literally) shitty clothing etc. Mother was recovering well but on Friday had another massive stroke (on her 90th birthday) and is now in a pretty vegetative state. Husbands hoping she'll get better again and they can go home everyone else is hoping for a quick end. Meanwhile partners brother has cancer of esophagus and has had a series of ops and is now on chemo (again).

Partner is rushing into a job she hates (& where they are only paying the wage subsidy) then to hospital etc and is beyond strung out. I'm supporting her to the best of my ability financially and emotionally but it is tough. Effectively what with a couple of grand a month for my wife's care and several thou for partner I am eroding my retirement savings. Which is fine. It has to be done and it's only money, but as I said at outset this was supposed to be the cruisy years. No travel last two years which is how I keep sane and the prospect of having to work a couple of years longer before I do get to retire with the realization that I'm probably only going to be around 200-25 years if I am lucky and probably the last ten of those I will be health compromised so it irks me to lose a couple of the good years.

Honestly Level 4 when I could let go some of the guilt because I wasn't allowed to visit etc was like a holiday. Like others I have worked through and its bloody busy. Fewer staff means I'm covering even more roles. It's working my businesses are doing well which means people have jobs.

It all raeds a little self indulgent but am I happy. Not if I'm honest - except when reading the Grumpy Old Man thread

NTA

@dogmeat said in Happiness Scale:

realization that I'm probably only going to be around 200-25 years

In classical math we'd put the lower number first

Fuck mate that is a laundry list of shit. Hope some of it resolves in the near future.

Keep seeing your doctor, eh?

mariner4life

@dogmeat holy shit dude.

you and Rancid ramming home how easy my life is in glaring black and white.

Hooroo

@dogmeat that made me cry a bit.

It wasn't because of all the bad things that happened but because you felt guilt for trying to make yourself happy. I don't know why reading that part upset me but it did.

I'm truly of the belief that we get one go on this planet in this form, so we must do our best to make ourselves happy but not at the expense of others happiness. Nothing I have read on here suggests you are making people unhappy so your should be guilt free in your own happiness!

Rancid Schnitzel

@canefan said in Happiness Scale:

@Rancid-Schnitzel Not that it's any consolation, but you win mate. Hands down. You deserve for shit to go your way, I hope RS Jnr pulls his head out of his arse in time

Thanks mate. I remember a poster here a few years back. El Toro I think his name was. Saffa and Bulls supporter. Had been in a shocking car crash (someone else plowed into him) and he was left in a lot of pain and a very long period of recovery. He was clearly in a lot of distress but was also philosophical about it. He compared his situation to a rat in a bucket of water - an almost impossible situation but no option but to keep on swimming and trying to get out. The alternative is giving up and drowning. Have never forgotten that.

MN5

@Rancid-Schnitzel said in Happiness Scale:

@canefan said in Happiness Scale:

@Rancid-Schnitzel Not that it's any consolation, but you win mate. Hands down. You deserve for shit to go your way, I hope RS Jnr pulls his head out of his arse in time

Thanks mate. I remember a poster here a few years back. El Toro I think his name was. Saffa and Bulls supporter. Had been in a shocking car crash (someone else plowed into him) and he was left in a lot of pain and a very long period of recovery. He was clearly in a lot of distress but was also philosophical about it. He compared his situation to a rat in a bucket of water - an almost impossible situation but no option but to keep on swimming and trying to get out. The alternative is giving up and drowning. Have never forgotten that.

Yeah but many do ‘drown’. It’s so easy to see why male suicide rates are the way they are. I definitely believe you have to ‘harden up’ in some aspects of life or else you’ll just get walked over.....but by the same token don’t be ashamed to reach out when you need help.

So hard for men to do that sometimes.

nzzp

@Hooroo said in Happiness Scale:

@dogmeat that made me cry a bit.

It wasn't because of all the bad things that happened but because you felt guilt for trying to make yourself happy. I don't know why reading that part upset me but it did.

I'm truly of the belief that we get one go on this planet in this form, so we must do our best to make ourselves happy but not at the expense of others happiness. Nothing I have read on here suggests you are making people unhappy so your should be guilt free in your own happiness!

we make ourselves so miserable sometimes, and I think our brains are wired to look at what's not there, rather than what is.

My wife sometimes gets upset if we don't deliver 100% awesomeness and parental support to the kids. I have to keep reminding her that our kids live an awesome life, they live in a warm house with stable parents who love them and each other, and they are looked after (aka pampered pooches). It's not going to hurt them if they get some extra screen, or eat nuggets two nights in a row.

Rancid Schnitzel

@MN5 said in Happiness Scale:

@Rancid-Schnitzel said in Happiness Scale:

@canefan said in Happiness Scale:

@Rancid-Schnitzel Not that it's any consolation, but you win mate. Hands down. You deserve for shit to go your way, I hope RS Jnr pulls his head out of his arse in time

Thanks mate. I remember a poster here a few years back. El Toro I think his name was. Saffa and Bulls supporter. Had been in a shocking car crash (someone else plowed into him) and he was left in a lot of pain and a very long period of recovery. He was clearly in a lot of distress but was also philosophical about it. He compared his situation to a rat in a bucket of water - an almost impossible situation but no option but to keep on swimming and trying to get out. The alternative is giving up and drowning. Have never forgotten that.

Yeah but many do ‘drown’. It’s so easy to see why male suicide rates are the way they are. I definitely believe you have to ‘harden up’ in some aspects of life or else you’ll just get walked over.....but by the same token don’t be ashamed to reach out when you need help.

So hard for men to do that sometimes.

Around the time my wife died, I’d developed a terrible cough which was so bad I actually tore a muscle in my back. Anyway, the night she died I came home and my dad suggested that I have some whisky for the cough and to help me sleep (old man old school medicine). That one glass of whiskey kind of scared me because it suddenly seemed to dull the pain and calm me down. I understood then why people might hit the bottle. It won’t help the situation but by God it helps take the pain away, even if for a brief moment.

Donsteppa

Can relate to those with family members going through Alzheimer's. Over the last two years words such as sundowning and shadowing have taken on a new meaning. Also sandwich-generation too...

What began as family health chaos in 2019 for us just felt like it spilled over globally in 2020.

Eighteen months ago we had Mum with increasingly mid-stage Alzheimer's being stoically (and slightly stubbornly) looked after at home by Dad with COPD. Which was very precariously working, up until Dad's health tipped over.

A series of hospital admissions for Dad clarified that his COPD (stoically "oh, I've known about that for years") was now Stage Four. Google then clarified that there is actually no stage five for COPD, and we lost Dad a few hours before 'that' RWC semi final.

As an aside, I'd never heard of hospital-induced delirium in the elderly until last year, but it is pretty awful. When the sundowning Alzheimer's patient is the most sane one in a conversation, it might almost be funny if it wasn't so horrific to listen to/to try and untangle...

A subtle but scary shift is when you realise you're now essentially parenting your parents. And when you hear yourself unintentionally talking to your Mum the same way as you've just finished talking to the five year old...

So that left us with an anxious Mum - who'd just moved out of her home of 51 years into a rest home - four days later losing her husband of 56 years who she'd been expecting to follow her there. And with a family home with 51 years of stuff that had been chaotically reorganised over the last few years by someone with Alzheimer's.

Pro-tip; if you are ever trying to find the family phone book in a cluttered home ahead of a funeral, and the person with Alzheimer's has absolutely no idea where she has hidden it - check the record (LP) collection. It only took us three days, and it was literally the last place left to look - but there was a slight logic to where it was I guess

Most of the last twelve months have been unravelling all that, and sorting out and selling the house under power of attorney around Covid. Risperidone can be controversial for Alzheimer's patients, but brief use of it [in a home with nurses on site 24/7] got Mum through those first couple of months, and kept her in a rest home that isn't a full "Dementia lockdown" one - and one where she is very well looked after.

Two bits of random advice:

Make sure you and your family members have enduring power of attorney's set up, it makes a huge difference.
The healthcare system is 'easy' to navigate if someone has the proverbial heart attack, massive fall, or car crash where the ambulance and the system immediately takes hold. For chronic end of life conditions it seems to be very easy to fall into the gaps. If you see that happening to family, stay close by if you can.

My day job looked very precarious during lockdown, but somehow it has survived. I was also 'borrowed' into another work group at the time, so between two day jobs (and writing too much on TSF) Levels 4 and 3 just vanished. Hanging out for a Christmas holiday though.

Because 2020: in April my job looked like toast, and Mrs Steppa's job looked as safe as houses. But guess who is now unexpectedly in the middle of a restructure process at work - because 2020!