Fern Support Group
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Possibly relevant; I've posted in the past that my Mum has Alzheimer's. Which is now very much Stage 6 mentally, and physically is starting to catch up far too rapidly this year. Including a melanoma diagnosis now in the mix as of last Wednesday. Some ramblings that touch on what others have said about keeping...
@chimoaus said in Fern Support Group:
your mental health healthy when watching a loved one's health fail.
... and acknowledging that the following is often much easier said than done...
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Take any appropriate in-home help, support group help, etc where possible/needed/available, and
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Feel no guilt about it at the time. Because among other factors...
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That does free up your head space a bit to spend time a bit more at the 'more care, not quite as much responsibility' end of the spectrum.
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Probably the easiest said rather than done bit: focus on the things you can still enjoy together, even if it is 'just' laughter, or music, or going for a walk with the wheelchair or a local drive - it's at least a small change of scenery, or escapism. In terms of mental health, I'd possibly be in care or a psych ward myself if I dwelt for too long on everything/everyone that my Mum has forgotten, now can't do, and many of the Alzheimer's-associated paranoia and delusions, etc. But...
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... she can; still laugh often at silly things ("see ya Mum, remember, no wild parties in here", "genuine laugh - chance would be a fine thing"), and loves hearing about how the family is doing (if names and context have all but gone), looking at old photos of where she grew up, and going out in the car even if just for a local drive to nowhere. Small mercies, but I've found it does help mentally. Hopefully on all sides.
Kia kaha.
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@antipodean said in Fern Support Group:
@chimoaus Sorry to hear that. Not sure I can say anything of benefit. Kia kaha.
This sums up my thoughts exactly.
Kia kaha
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@chimoaus said in Fern Support Group:
G'day all, thought I would kick start a support group for anyone who is struggling or needs some support. My reason for starting this is my partner of 25 years has a degenerative condition that has worsened over time and is now so bad she is bed bound in the lounge room and I care for her. Can't say I ever thought I would see my wife in a wheelchair and needing me to help clean her etc.
I know many of you have lost partners, parents etc and I am curious how you kept your mental health healthy when watching a loved one's health fail.
The biggest thing we miss is the ability to do things like travel, bushwalking etc. It is only when your body fails that you realise how important moments and experiences are. Material things, money etc are not important when you can't do anything. For those with a healthy partner make sure you give them a big hug and surprise them with a trip somewhere.
Not sure what to say buddy, except you’re lucky to have each other.
Does your wife have anyone she can talk to? As bad as it is for you it must be worse for her.
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Thanks all for the comments, I appreciate it. I agree about trying to appreciate what we can still do together and not focusing on what we can't.
On a lighter note I never fucken realised just how much work it takes to cook and clean.
I have suggested a Polish exchange student might be a good idea, let's hope that gets the green light.
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@JC said in Fern Support Group:
@chimoaus said in Fern Support Group:
G'day all, thought I would kick start a support group for anyone who is struggling or needs some support. My reason for starting this is my partner of 25 years has a degenerative condition that has worsened over time and is now so bad she is bed bound in the lounge room and I care for her. Can't say I ever thought I would see my wife in a wheelchair and needing me to help clean her etc.
I know many of you have lost partners, parents etc and I am curious how you kept your mental health healthy when watching a loved one's health fail.
The biggest thing we miss is the ability to do things like travel, bushwalking etc. It is only when your body fails that you realise how important moments and experiences are. Material things, money etc are not important when you can't do anything. For those with a healthy partner make sure you give them a big hug and surprise them with a trip somewhere.
Not sure what to say buddy, except you’re lucky to have each other.
Does your wife have anyone she can talk to? As bad as it is for you it must be worse for her.
She has supportive family she can talk to on the phone which is good. She also has a nurse that calls as well. Like most people she doesn't want to burden anyone which is silly as everyone wants to help.
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Chimoaus,
One of my daughters reminded me recently how I had told her long ago that she was the most important person in her life, not her new husband, not her new baby, … . I recall she was hurtling into a new business, commencing at Sydney University, settling into marriage, and being a new mother. She was horrified, could not believe I would advise such selfishness.
She was grinning as she told me (at 42 in 2019) how it was not until life developed more that she remembered the rationale – “Eat wisely, sleep well, withdraw to enjoy the things that please you, have your family share the load … if you are not caring properly for yourself you cannot reliably deliver to others who are important to you.”
We were eating lunch mid-week – “Dad, I see you are at home-home (Sydney) this week, I will collect you at 10, I want to visit the Art Gallery.” and I was pleased that she had heeded something a wise man had advised me.
Further, I have long grasped at something Winston Churchill said, about dealing with unrelenting pressure:
“This is the lesson: never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never—in nothing, great or small, large or petty—never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense.”
Up on your feet and box on, chimoaus.
You are young, you will adapt. I raised my son and three girls throughout their teenage years, alone, while I was at the top of the tree in my corporate career – it can be done and you will be proud of your achievement.
Just look around you here – voices aplenty happy to have a word when you need it.
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@chimoaus said in Fern Support Group:
I have suggested a Polish exchange student might be a good idea, let's hope that gets the green light.
Several Ferners scurry to update their resumes…
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@chimoaus said in Fern Support Group:
I have suggested a Polish exchange student might be a good idea, let's hope that gets the green light.
i hope you like dill
and cabbage.
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@mariner4life said in Fern Support Group:
@chimoaus said in Fern Support Group:
I have suggested a Polish exchange student might be a good idea, let's hope that gets the green light.
i hope you like dill
and cabbage.
well if he is recruiting Polish from the fern then its probably more like Kransky
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@bayimports said in Fern Support Group:
@mariner4life said in Fern Support Group:
@chimoaus said in Fern Support Group:
I have suggested a Polish exchange student might be a good idea, let's hope that gets the green light.
i hope you like dill
and cabbage.
well if he is recruiting Polish from the fern then its probably more like Kransky
lol
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@bayimports said in Fern Support Group:
@mariner4life said in Fern Support Group:
@chimoaus said in Fern Support Group:
I have suggested a Polish exchange student might be a good idea, let's hope that gets the green light.
i hope you like dill
and cabbage.
well if he is recruiting Polish from the fern then its probably more like Kransky
Cheese kransky
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@canefan said in Fern Support Group:
@bayimports said in Fern Support Group:
@mariner4life said in Fern Support Group:
@chimoaus said in Fern Support Group:
I have suggested a Polish exchange student might be a good idea, let's hope that gets the green light.
i hope you like dill
and cabbage.
well if he is recruiting Polish from the fern then its probably more like Kransky
Cheese kransky
speak for yourself, some of us shower
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@chimoaus said in Fern Support Group:
G'day all, thought I would kick start a support group for anyone who is struggling or needs some support. My reason for starting this is my partner of 25 years has a degenerative condition that has worsened over time and is now so bad she is bed bound in the lounge room and I care for her. Can't say I ever thought I would see my wife in a wheelchair and needing me to help clean her etc.
I know many of you have lost partners, parents etc and I am curious how you kept your mental health healthy when watching a loved one's health fail.
The biggest thing we miss is the ability to do things like travel, bushwalking etc. It is only when your body fails that you realise how important moments and experiences are. Material things, money etc are not important when you can't do anything. For those with a healthy partner make sure you give them a big hug and surprise them with a trip somewhere.
My heart bleeds for you Mate. Unfortunately I've been there and it's soul destroying. People would always ask me if there was anything they could do and I just wanted to say "can you please make this all go away". It's hard to enjoy anything in life because of this constant reminder that hits you like a train every time you wake up in the morning. But I think you have try to take some time for yourself and not shoulder everything. You'll go mad otherwise.
Find things that bring you joy and make sure you do them. I found exercise helped and rugby (when the Canes and ABs were actually good) made me happy. Also talk and vent as much as you can. Don't hold it all in. Beers with mates help big time.
I think most importantly, cherish every day you still have together. Say everything you want to you say. Thank her for the joy and happiness she gave you. Don't leave anything unsaid.
I'm so sorry Mate. PM if you want a yarn or any assistance. Stay strong.
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Blimey that's not cool. Not cool at all.
Not much advice I can give, but those that do go through tough things in life I know find a lot of solace in the company of others experiencing the same thing. Although I'm sure TSF will be a support network, a closer one of people with the same issue will do you wonders.
All the best mate, thoughts are with. Might go and chat to the wife again now after our stupid argument the other day ....
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@chimoaus it occured to be we could/should also be proactive in checking in, how you going this week?
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@Kiwiwomble Thanks mate, I appreciate the concern, we both watched the rugby together and it was a real highlight seeing her get excited by the boys performance It's a bit like groundhog day to be honest, good days with bad and just focusing on the good. We are in a bit of a holding pattern at present and I'm just focusing on doing what I can with work and caring etc. Cheers.
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Really sorry to hear that, mate. Glad you felt able to share here.
I have a close friend who went thru 10 years of seriously awful, lifechanging stuff happening to her husband & son and I've often told her I marvel at how she got thru it. Her response was that opening up and just talking to people about her situation (and sometimes venting) helped enormously and was probably key to getting her thru it.
Look like you've figured that out already. You'd be amazed at how kind people can be when you ask them to listen when you need to open up.
Kia kaha.
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Thoughts are with you both
Enjoy the little moments
They’ll be massive down the line
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@chimoaus said in Fern Support Group:
@Kiwiwomble Thanks mate, I appreciate the concern, we both watched the rugby together and it was a real highlight seeing her get excited by the boys performance It's a bit like groundhog day to be honest, good days with bad and just focusing on the good. We are in a bit of a holding pattern at present and I'm just focusing on doing what I can with work and caring etc. Cheers.
its something ive always wanted Mrs Womble to get into sport so we could really enjoy it together, she'll come to live match for the spectacle...but wont sit down and enjoy a game on tv