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@mn5 said in Happiness Scale:
@victor-meldrew said in Happiness Scale:
@siam said in Happiness Scale:
Being invited to friend's kids birthdays was as appealing as triple root canal performed by Helen keller, sans anaesthetic.
You obviously know the mad Iranian who poses as my dentist...
@Bones ?
All Persians look the same to you huh
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@bones said in Happiness Scale:
@mn5 said in Happiness Scale:
@victor-meldrew said in Happiness Scale:
@siam said in Happiness Scale:
Being invited to friend's kids birthdays was as appealing as triple root canal performed by Helen keller, sans anaesthetic.
You obviously know the mad Iranian who poses as my dentist...
@Bones ?
All Persians look the same to you huh
Persians ? Aren’t they the company that make Rugs ?
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@booboo said in Happiness Scale:
But you have a major upside to your job and purpose in this life: you get to deal with the scum in our society and in doing so improve the life of their victims, and the rest of us by taking these dregs out of our lives.
Thanks mate. Funnily enough I was thinking along similar lines not 10 minutes before I read your post. I have some time today to work on a case that is dragging on and I was dreading the negative aspects of it. Then I started thinking about the chance I had to help the victim out. And it definitely helped a bit.
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@booboo don't underestimate the positive effects of Engineering in our society.
It's not direct - but even work for dodgy developers winds up with modern, warm houses for families. Engineers make a massive difference to our communities, don't undersell yourself. It's just often a step or two removed from the actual effects.
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@antipodean said in Happiness Scale:
@booboo said in Happiness Scale:
@mariner4life said in Happiness Scale:
fuck holidays are important. Pretty sure in this very thread you will find a post from me in June last year about how calm and centered i felt after a week in the outback. fast forward to December and i had lost my fucking mind
Once again a couple of weeks unplugged and i feel fucking great.
We've optimistically booked Fiji for April with the kids. Barossa in June sans kids. Nothing too outrageous, both hopefully doable.
We found a part of Hobart both Mrs Mariner and i would have loooved to live. We had consumed a pint or 3 each, so we looked for jobs (well, hers is easy) and found a house. Kids weren't so keen. And when i sobered up i remembered winter in Wellington... but the serious part was i said we needed to be open to opportunity. if something comes up, we can't be afraid to give it a lash.
Easier said than done obviously, but...
God, the height of summer (2019) and Hobart was too cold for me. Loved Tassie. Starting to plan another trip. But couldn't live there.
Hahaha. After two days in the Tamar Valley sightseeing, eating great food and drinking some fantastic wines in magnificent weather I said to Mrs Antipodean it was a place I could stay. Then day three's weather rolled in. No thanks.
Around Launceston gave me vibes of what the bastard child of Dunedin and Greymouth would look like, with less ocean.
We also had some great weather up there. Lasted almost 12 hours.
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@crazy-horse said in Happiness Scale:
@booboo said in Happiness Scale:
But you have a major upside to your job and purpose in this life: you get to deal with the scum in our society and in doing so improve the life of their victims, and the rest of us by taking these dregs out of our lives.
Thanks mate. Funnily enough I was thinking along similar lines not 10 minutes before I read your post. I have some time today to work on a case that is dragging on and I was dreading the negative aspects of it. Then I started thinking about the chance I had to help the victim out. And it definitely helped a bit.
Is there a bigger picture to a lot of the stuff you see? We hear about the symptoms a lot in the media (shooting, stabbing, drugs, gangs etc) but in the job do common threads come through? Not looking for an essay on the ills of society
but interested in your observations. -
@junior said in Happiness Scale:
@junior said in Happiness Scale:
Good thread.
I have a great life. My wife is beautiful, kindhearted and good fun. My wife and I both have great jobs with a decent amount of flexibility, intellectual challenge and very good remuneration. We have a great apartment and I have a nice car. We never want for anything and eat out at nice places regularly. COVID-permitting, we can travel anywhere we want and stay pretty much wherever we want when we get there. We live near the beach in a part of the world where the sun shines all year round. We pay fuck all in taxes. I play golf every weekend with a great group of mates.
If you'd asked me 5 years ago what my perfect life would like, that's pretty much it.
But, to be honest, I'm feeling dissatisfied, restless, irritable and a little helpless. Wife and I are and have been for the past 2 year trying to start a family with very little success. The clock is ticking for her and so we have gone the IVF route, which has taken a real physical toll on her and even more of an emotional toll on us both. We've basically got one more roll of the dice before we give up and live our lives as a childless couple, the hardest part of which is watching my wife come to terms with losing a large part of her "purpose" in life. It's difficult for us both right now to see our many blessings, because the truth is we'd give up almost all of them just to have our own little family.
Still working out what this all actually means in terms of my overall happiness, but a few thoughts include (a) that happiness is a completely relative concept, (b) I may have been wrong about at truly makes me happy, and (c) your own happiness can be massively influenced by the happiness (or otherwise) of others.
With the thread having back to life, it's prompted a lot of reflection and a decision to re-read my first post to see what's changed and to see if I feel any different.
In my life, nothing really has changed. I still have the objectively charmed life described above (slightly more money on account of a mid-year salary increase). But, if I'm honest, I am even more miserable now than I was then.
Our last round(s) of IVF were unfortunately unsuccessful. This did not come as a great surprise - in fact, we had both resigned ourselves to this being inevitable, while at the same time being committed not to give up so long as we had the physical, financial and emotional ability to continue on the off-chance that we would be lucky enough to be blessed with a child (something we both really wanted).
The whole process was really such an emotionally draining experience - building up the determination and optimism to continue despite previous failure and the odds stacked against us, only to fail again - that I completely detached myself from the experience as a coping mechanism. As a result, I am completely lost as to the timelines, what happened when, what the outcome was on each occasion, the discussions had with and advice received from doctors etc.
Anyway, I think it must be about 6ish months since we stopped. Since then, we've both put the blinkers on and buried our heads in the sand. I think we are both still processing the whole awful experience, the outcome and what this means for the future. We therefore don't really discuss this together, and I don't know if we are even ready individually or as a couple to do so. I don't think I am. My wife may be, as demonstrated by her opening up to certain people over drinks at her work Xmas party while completely writing herself off (something which upset me quite a lot, given that the people concerned were not friends and have big mouths).
We had previously discussed what our "Plan C" might be for having kids in the inevitable case that IVF didn't work - we don't anymore. I don't think we currently have the energy or inclination to go through the ball ache of, for example, adoption or egg donation or even to talk about it. I don't think I even want kids anymore - probably more of a "if I can't have them, I don't want them" reaction in reality. Still, seeing friends pregnant or with young children makes me feel sick. Being around friends and their kids - particularly very young ones - is galling. Half the conversations they want to have is either about or hi-jacked by their kids.
The last 12 months at work have been tough. It's provided a convenient pretext to avoid thinking or talking about the personal things that need processing. But it's also considerably added to the malaise, as I've basically missed out on Xmas and New Years due to being so busy since at least October. Added to that is the fact that we couldn't travel either to her home or mine for Xmas because of work, which has made matters worse.
We have some light at the end of the tunnel, with a chance of a decent break in February. But all I want to do is go home and see my friends and family, which seems unlikely to happen. At the very least the chances of it getting canned at the last minute due to border closures seems high. Best case scenario it is going to be a logistical nightmare and cost a fuck ton of money.
You tell yourself that the reason you work hard is to have a nice life and build something for your future and your family. Well, if your future doesn't involve kids, what is the point of working your c#nt off now? I can still have the life I currently live by working about 75% as hard as I currently do.
If you can't use the rare times you get a break from work to travel and visit your friends and family, again what is the point of working your c#nt off in those other times? I would have much more free time and flexibility to take holidays at more convenient times by working about 75% as hard as I currently do.
It's weird as I don't know you from a bar of soap but my heart sunk and I got a bit teary reading that.
We resigned ourselves to not having kids quite some time ago and I feel ok about it. Mrs Hooroo deals with it but I think she deep down still wishes.
I really like my mates Kids and can easily celebrate with them. If a mate is about to have a kid, I get super excited for them. I don't hold any jealousy. I thrive off other peoples happiness though.
Time is the only healer for this. Nothing else helps.
On the plus side, we have A LOT of fun. We are always getting away, the farm is nearly mortgage free (sort of) and we are now thinking of what to do next (Buy Beach House or place overseas etc)
No point me saying 'it will get better'....
.... but I promise you, it will.
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@hooroo said in Happiness Scale:
@junior said in Happiness Scale:
@junior said in Happiness Scale:
Good thread.
I have a great life. My wife is beautiful, kindhearted and good fun. My wife and I both have great jobs with a decent amount of flexibility, intellectual challenge and very good remuneration. We have a great apartment and I have a nice car. We never want for anything and eat out at nice places regularly. COVID-permitting, we can travel anywhere we want and stay pretty much wherever we want when we get there. We live near the beach in a part of the world where the sun shines all year round. We pay fuck all in taxes. I play golf every weekend with a great group of mates.
If you'd asked me 5 years ago what my perfect life would like, that's pretty much it.
But, to be honest, I'm feeling dissatisfied, restless, irritable and a little helpless. Wife and I are and have been for the past 2 year trying to start a family with very little success. The clock is ticking for her and so we have gone the IVF route, which has taken a real physical toll on her and even more of an emotional toll on us both. We've basically got one more roll of the dice before we give up and live our lives as a childless couple, the hardest part of which is watching my wife come to terms with losing a large part of her "purpose" in life. It's difficult for us both right now to see our many blessings, because the truth is we'd give up almost all of them just to have our own little family.
Still working out what this all actually means in terms of my overall happiness, but a few thoughts include (a) that happiness is a completely relative concept, (b) I may have been wrong about at truly makes me happy, and (c) your own happiness can be massively influenced by the happiness (or otherwise) of others.
With the thread having back to life, it's prompted a lot of reflection and a decision to re-read my first post to see what's changed and to see if I feel any different.
In my life, nothing really has changed. I still have the objectively charmed life described above (slightly more money on account of a mid-year salary increase). But, if I'm honest, I am even more miserable now than I was then.
Our last round(s) of IVF were unfortunately unsuccessful. This did not come as a great surprise - in fact, we had both resigned ourselves to this being inevitable, while at the same time being committed not to give up so long as we had the physical, financial and emotional ability to continue on the off-chance that we would be lucky enough to be blessed with a child (something we both really wanted).
The whole process was really such an emotionally draining experience - building up the determination and optimism to continue despite previous failure and the odds stacked against us, only to fail again - that I completely detached myself from the experience as a coping mechanism. As a result, I am completely lost as to the timelines, what happened when, what the outcome was on each occasion, the discussions had with and advice received from doctors etc.
Anyway, I think it must be about 6ish months since we stopped. Since then, we've both put the blinkers on and buried our heads in the sand. I think we are both still processing the whole awful experience, the outcome and what this means for the future. We therefore don't really discuss this together, and I don't know if we are even ready individually or as a couple to do so. I don't think I am. My wife may be, as demonstrated by her opening up to certain people over drinks at her work Xmas party while completely writing herself off (something which upset me quite a lot, given that the people concerned were not friends and have big mouths).
We had previously discussed what our "Plan C" might be for having kids in the inevitable case that IVF didn't work - we don't anymore. I don't think we currently have the energy or inclination to go through the ball ache of, for example, adoption or egg donation or even to talk about it. I don't think I even want kids anymore - probably more of a "if I can't have them, I don't want them" reaction in reality. Still, seeing friends pregnant or with young children makes me feel sick. Being around friends and their kids - particularly very young ones - is galling. Half the conversations they want to have is either about or hi-jacked by their kids.
The last 12 months at work have been tough. It's provided a convenient pretext to avoid thinking or talking about the personal things that need processing. But it's also considerably added to the malaise, as I've basically missed out on Xmas and New Years due to being so busy since at least October. Added to that is the fact that we couldn't travel either to her home or mine for Xmas because of work, which has made matters worse.
We have some light at the end of the tunnel, with a chance of a decent break in February. But all I want to do is go home and see my friends and family, which seems unlikely to happen. At the very least the chances of it getting canned at the last minute due to border closures seems high. Best case scenario it is going to be a logistical nightmare and cost a fuck ton of money.
You tell yourself that the reason you work hard is to have a nice life and build something for your future and your family. Well, if your future doesn't involve kids, what is the point of working your c#nt off now? I can still have the life I currently live by working about 75% as hard as I currently do.
If you can't use the rare times you get a break from work to travel and visit your friends and family, again what is the point of working your c#nt off in those other times? I would have much more free time and flexibility to take holidays at more convenient times by working about 75% as hard as I currently do.
It's weird as I don't know you from a bar of soap but my heart sunk and I got a bit teary reading that.
We resigned ourselves to not having kids quite some time ago and I feel ok about it. Mrs Hooroo deals with it but I think she deep down still wishes.
I really like my mates Kids and can easily celebrate with them. If a mate is about to have a kid, I get super excited for them. I don't hold any jealousy. I thrive off other peoples happiness though.
Time is the only healer for this. Nothing else helps.
On the plus side, we have A LOT of fun. We are always getting away, the farm is nearly mortgage free (sort of) and we are now thinking of what to do next (Buy Beach House or place overseas etc)
No point me saying 'it will get better'....
.... but I promise you, it will.
We still have hope I guess but have essentially resigned ourselves to being childless unless we are lucky soon. Can definitely relate to both the occasional bout of wishing for kids and enjoyment of child-free life.
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@junior said in Happiness Scale:
@junior said in Happiness Scale:
Good thread.
I have a great life. My wife is beautiful, kindhearted and good fun. My wife and I both have great jobs with a decent amount of flexibility, intellectual challenge and very good remuneration. We have a great apartment and I have a nice car. We never want for anything and eat out at nice places regularly. COVID-permitting, we can travel anywhere we want and stay pretty much wherever we want when we get there. We live near the beach in a part of the world where the sun shines all year round. We pay fuck all in taxes. I play golf every weekend with a great group of mates.
If you'd asked me 5 years ago what my perfect life would like, that's pretty much it.
But, to be honest, I'm feeling dissatisfied, restless, irritable and a little helpless. Wife and I are and have been for the past 2 year trying to start a family with very little success. The clock is ticking for her and so we have gone the IVF route, which has taken a real physical toll on her and even more of an emotional toll on us both. We've basically got one more roll of the dice before we give up and live our lives as a childless couple, the hardest part of which is watching my wife come to terms with losing a large part of her "purpose" in life. It's difficult for us both right now to see our many blessings, because the truth is we'd give up almost all of them just to have our own little family.
Still working out what this all actually means in terms of my overall happiness, but a few thoughts include (a) that happiness is a completely relative concept, (b) I may have been wrong about at truly makes me happy, and (c) your own happiness can be massively influenced by the happiness (or otherwise) of others.
With the thread having back to life, it's prompted a lot of reflection and a decision to re-read my first post to see what's changed and to see if I feel any different.
In my life, nothing really has changed. I still have the objectively charmed life described above (slightly more money on account of a mid-year salary increase). But, if I'm honest, I am even more miserable now than I was then.
Our last round(s) of IVF were unfortunately unsuccessful. This did not come as a great surprise - in fact, we had both resigned ourselves to this being inevitable, while at the same time being committed not to give up so long as we had the physical, financial and emotional ability to continue on the off-chance that we would be lucky enough to be blessed with a child (something we both really wanted).
The whole process was really such an emotionally draining experience - building up the determination and optimism to continue despite previous failure and the odds stacked against us, only to fail again - that I completely detached myself from the experience as a coping mechanism. As a result, I am completely lost as to the timelines, what happened when, what the outcome was on each occasion, the discussions had with and advice received from doctors etc.
Anyway, I think it must be about 6ish months since we stopped. Since then, we've both put the blinkers on and buried our heads in the sand. I think we are both still processing the whole awful experience, the outcome and what this means for the future. We therefore don't really discuss this together, and I don't know if we are even ready individually or as a couple to do so. I don't think I am. My wife may be, as demonstrated by her opening up to certain people over drinks at her work Xmas party while completely writing herself off (something which upset me quite a lot, given that the people concerned were not friends and have big mouths).
We had previously discussed what our "Plan C" might be for having kids in the inevitable case that IVF didn't work - we don't anymore. I don't think we currently have the energy or inclination to go through the ball ache of, for example, adoption or egg donation or even to talk about it. I don't think I even want kids anymore - probably more of a "if I can't have them, I don't want them" reaction in reality. Still, seeing friends pregnant or with young children makes me feel sick. Being around friends and their kids - particularly very young ones - is galling. Half the conversations they want to have is either about or hi-jacked by their kids.
The last 12 months at work have been tough. It's provided a convenient pretext to avoid thinking or talking about the personal things that need processing. But it's also considerably added to the malaise, as I've basically missed out on Xmas and New Years due to being so busy since at least October. Added to that is the fact that we couldn't travel either to her home or mine for Xmas because of work, which has made matters worse.
We have some light at the end of the tunnel, with a chance of a decent break in February. But all I want to do is go home and see my friends and family, which seems unlikely to happen. At the very least the chances of it getting canned at the last minute due to border closures seems high. Best case scenario it is going to be a logistical nightmare and cost a fuck ton of money.
You tell yourself that the reason you work hard is to have a nice life and build something for your future and your family. Well, if your future doesn't involve kids, what is the point of working your c#nt off now? I can still have the life I currently live by working about 75% as hard as I currently do.
If you can't use the rare times you get a break from work to travel and visit your friends and family, again what is the point of working your c#nt off in those other times? I would have much more free time and flexibility to take holidays at more convenient times by working about 75% as hard as I currently do.
Yeah, that's hard. I've been there, tiptoeing around the elephant in the room, not asking "are we going to stop now?" because you don't want to upset and hurt your wife. I can't give you advice but I can tell you what happened with us. Eventually I just asked because everything seemed strained and weird. Mrs JC went real strange and I thought I'd gone past some point of no return, then we talked and it turned out that she was avoiding mentioning it because she thought she had let me down and I would leave her. Funny, you get inside your own head and disappear up your own arse! It never occurred to me how much worse it was for my wife. We were both grieving but she felt guilty and scared as well. And it was pretty obvious once she said. We opened up and I told her how much I admired her guts in pressing on when things were at their worst and her body was permanently wrecked. I couldn't have done it, and I will always wonder whether she would have stopped earlier and had better health if she hadn't convinced herself that if she did our marriage would be over.
Neither of you have to carry this alone buddy. You're partners for a reason and I suspect it will be much easier to share the load than for each of you to try and do it on your own.
And we're always here...
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@mariner4life said in Happiness Scale:
We've optimistically booked Fiji for April with the kids.
Just had a look at Denarau for June long weekend - pricing is pretty keen for a 4-night stay including flights.
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@nta said in Happiness Scale:
@mariner4life said in Happiness Scale:
We've optimistically booked Fiji for April with the kids.
Just had a look at Denarau for June long weekend - pricing is pretty keen for a 4-night stay including flights.
yeah we got a sweet deal on one of the islands with a good free cancellation policy
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@jc said in Happiness Scale:
Mrs JC went real strange and I thought I'd gone past some point of no return, then we talked and it turned out that she was avoiding mentioning it because she thought she had let me down and I would leave her. Funny, you get inside your own head and disappear up your own arse! It never occurred to me how much worse it was for my wife. We were both grieving but she felt guilty and scared as well.
Fucking bingo. The guilt factor is huge in couples when something isn't going right with procreation.
And not falling pregnant would be hard as shit. I can't imagine. Having a kid with a serious illness at birth, or genetic issues, etc...
When the boy was born 6 weeks early and had no end of health problems, we were both depressed and barely speaking because we were just so exhausted. The nurse we contacted after a month got us to see a counsellor and she eventually broke down with "... I feel like we should be happy but I've given you this broken little thing!"
At that point, what can you say?
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@mariner4life a lot of them are doing free cancellation by the looks - not much choice I guess...
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@nta said in Happiness Scale:
@mariner4life said in Happiness Scale:
We've optimistically booked Fiji for April with the kids.
Just had a look at Denarau for June long weekend - pricing is pretty keen for a 4-night stay including flights.
I'd love that. Sadly I can't spare 2 weeks in MIQ on my return, even if I could get slots
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@canefan said in Happiness Scale:
@nta said in Happiness Scale:
@mariner4life said in Happiness Scale:
We've optimistically booked Fiji for April with the kids.
Just had a look at Denarau for June long weekend - pricing is pretty keen for a 4-night stay including flights.
I'd love that. Sadly I can't spare 2 weeks in MIQ on my return, even if I could get slots
Still a risk that'll happen in NZ? I would have thought some kind of timeline would be in place.
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@nta said in Happiness Scale:
@canefan said in Happiness Scale:
@nta said in Happiness Scale:
@mariner4life said in Happiness Scale:
We've optimistically booked Fiji for April with the kids.
Just had a look at Denarau for June long weekend - pricing is pretty keen for a 4-night stay including flights.
I'd love that. Sadly I can't spare 2 weeks in MIQ on my return, even if I could get slots
Still a risk that'll happen in NZ? I would have thought some kind of timeline would be in place.
We aren't open to Fiji, Oz or anywhere other than the Cook Islands right now. So who knows when we can fly there and back without isolation on return.
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@canefan said in Happiness Scale:
@nta said in Happiness Scale:
@canefan said in Happiness Scale:
@nta said in Happiness Scale:
@mariner4life said in Happiness Scale:
We've optimistically booked Fiji for April with the kids.
Just had a look at Denarau for June long weekend - pricing is pretty keen for a 4-night stay including flights.
I'd love that. Sadly I can't spare 2 weeks in MIQ on my return, even if I could get slots
Still a risk that'll happen in NZ? I would have thought some kind of timeline would be in place.
We aren't open to Fiji, Oz or anywhere other than the Cook Islands right now. So who knows when we can fly there and back without isolation on return.
Raro, then?
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@nta said in Happiness Scale:
@canefan said in Happiness Scale:
@nta said in Happiness Scale:
@canefan said in Happiness Scale:
@nta said in Happiness Scale:
@mariner4life said in Happiness Scale:
We've optimistically booked Fiji for April with the kids.
Just had a look at Denarau for June long weekend - pricing is pretty keen for a 4-night stay including flights.
I'd love that. Sadly I can't spare 2 weeks in MIQ on my return, even if I could get slots
Still a risk that'll happen in NZ? I would have thought some kind of timeline would be in place.
We aren't open to Fiji, Oz or anywhere other than the Cook Islands right now. So who knows when we can fly there and back without isolation on return.
Raro, then?
Maybe, once the kids are vaxxed. It's better than nothing. But it's no Fiji
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@jc said in Happiness Scale:
@junior said in Happiness Scale:
@junior said in Happiness Scale:
Good thread.
I have a great life. My wife is beautiful, kindhearted and good fun. My wife and I both have great jobs with a decent amount of flexibility, intellectual challenge and very good remuneration. We have a great apartment and I have a nice car. We never want for anything and eat out at nice places regularly. COVID-permitting, we can travel anywhere we want and stay pretty much wherever we want when we get there. We live near the beach in a part of the world where the sun shines all year round. We pay fuck all in taxes. I play golf every weekend with a great group of mates.
If you'd asked me 5 years ago what my perfect life would like, that's pretty much it.
But, to be honest, I'm feeling dissatisfied, restless, irritable and a little helpless. Wife and I are and have been for the past 2 year trying to start a family with very little success. The clock is ticking for her and so we have gone the IVF route, which has taken a real physical toll on her and even more of an emotional toll on us both. We've basically got one more roll of the dice before we give up and live our lives as a childless couple, the hardest part of which is watching my wife come to terms with losing a large part of her "purpose" in life. It's difficult for us both right now to see our many blessings, because the truth is we'd give up almost all of them just to have our own little family.
Still working out what this all actually means in terms of my overall happiness, but a few thoughts include (a) that happiness is a completely relative concept, (b) I may have been wrong about at truly makes me happy, and (c) your own happiness can be massively influenced by the happiness (or otherwise) of others.
With the thread having back to life, it's prompted a lot of reflection and a decision to re-read my first post to see what's changed and to see if I feel any different.
In my life, nothing really has changed. I still have the objectively charmed life described above (slightly more money on account of a mid-year salary increase). But, if I'm honest, I am even more miserable now than I was then.
Our last round(s) of IVF were unfortunately unsuccessful. This did not come as a great surprise - in fact, we had both resigned ourselves to this being inevitable, while at the same time being committed not to give up so long as we had the physical, financial and emotional ability to continue on the off-chance that we would be lucky enough to be blessed with a child (something we both really wanted).
The whole process was really such an emotionally draining experience - building up the determination and optimism to continue despite previous failure and the odds stacked against us, only to fail again - that I completely detached myself from the experience as a coping mechanism. As a result, I am completely lost as to the timelines, what happened when, what the outcome was on each occasion, the discussions had with and advice received from doctors etc.
Anyway, I think it must be about 6ish months since we stopped. Since then, we've both put the blinkers on and buried our heads in the sand. I think we are both still processing the whole awful experience, the outcome and what this means for the future. We therefore don't really discuss this together, and I don't know if we are even ready individually or as a couple to do so. I don't think I am. My wife may be, as demonstrated by her opening up to certain people over drinks at her work Xmas party while completely writing herself off (something which upset me quite a lot, given that the people concerned were not friends and have big mouths).
We had previously discussed what our "Plan C" might be for having kids in the inevitable case that IVF didn't work - we don't anymore. I don't think we currently have the energy or inclination to go through the ball ache of, for example, adoption or egg donation or even to talk about it. I don't think I even want kids anymore - probably more of a "if I can't have them, I don't want them" reaction in reality. Still, seeing friends pregnant or with young children makes me feel sick. Being around friends and their kids - particularly very young ones - is galling. Half the conversations they want to have is either about or hi-jacked by their kids.
The last 12 months at work have been tough. It's provided a convenient pretext to avoid thinking or talking about the personal things that need processing. But it's also considerably added to the malaise, as I've basically missed out on Xmas and New Years due to being so busy since at least October. Added to that is the fact that we couldn't travel either to her home or mine for Xmas because of work, which has made matters worse.
We have some light at the end of the tunnel, with a chance of a decent break in February. But all I want to do is go home and see my friends and family, which seems unlikely to happen. At the very least the chances of it getting canned at the last minute due to border closures seems high. Best case scenario it is going to be a logistical nightmare and cost a fuck ton of money.
You tell yourself that the reason you work hard is to have a nice life and build something for your future and your family. Well, if your future doesn't involve kids, what is the point of working your c#nt off now? I can still have the life I currently live by working about 75% as hard as I currently do.
If you can't use the rare times you get a break from work to travel and visit your friends and family, again what is the point of working your c#nt off in those other times? I would have much more free time and flexibility to take holidays at more convenient times by working about 75% as hard as I currently do.
Yeah, that's hard. I've been there, tiptoeing around the elephant in the room, not asking "are we going to stop now?" because you don't want to upset and hurt your wife. I can't give you advice but I can tell you what happened with us. Eventually I just asked because everything seemed strained and weird. Mrs JC went real strange and I thought I'd gone past some point of no return, then we talked and it turned out that she was avoiding mentioning it because she thought she had let me down and I would leave her. Funny, you get inside your own head and disappear up your own arse! It never occurred to me how much worse it was for my wife. We were both grieving but she felt guilty and scared as well. And it was pretty obvious once she said. We opened up and I told her how much I admired her guts in pressing on when things were at their worst and her body was permanently wrecked. I couldn't have done it, and I will always wonder whether she would have stopped earlier and had better health if she hadn't convinced herself that if she did our marriage would be over.
Neither of you have to carry this alone buddy. You're partners for a reason and I suspect it will be much easier to share the load than for each of you to try and do it on your own.
And we're always here...
Mine basically demanded i go and find a woman who could give me kids!
Totally blew me away and took all my willpower not to proclaim " are you serious? Look at me who the fuck would want this?"
I love that girl 🙂 (barren bitch that she is! - too soon?)
Happiness Scale
