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@Dodge mate my sincere condolences to you, that must be tough to go through and by the sounds of it you’re doing a great job keeping it together for the family.
I haven't been through what you have, and I can only speak from my own personal experience so I can only hope I can share my story and that some of it resonates with you, and if it doesn't that's fine also - you've got to do what works for you.
A few years ago, I got counselling for childhood trauma, I've always been the type to grit my teeth and just get on with life and keep pushing forward but it's amazing the number of emotions that sit just under the surface if we bottle it up.
I unwisely took one of my counselling calls at work (was online as it was during covid times) and the counsellor looked at me quizzically and asked if maybe we could reschedule till i was at home. I bravely insisted that we go on and I'd be fine, and he double checked and asked me again if I was in a safe and private space and if I was ok to talk. Again, I bravely insisted I was.
Que about 5 minutes into the session and I'm sitting there having locked the door to the meeting room behind me, back to the windows, weeping uncontrollably into my computer monitor and sleeves of my jacket as real men don’t carry handkerchiefs, and ever so thankful the meeting room had tinted glass so no-one could see me. Probably cried for about 45 minutes straight, then had to take a period of time afterwards composing myself at the end of the session before walking back out into our open plan office without looking like a train had hit me.
While I think that talking to friends and family and complete strangers on the internet helps while their advice is very well intentioned the vast majority of people won’t have the skills and training to do much more than listen and even less so to be able to take that grief and hurt and begin to direct it in a way that can heal you and help you fix yourself.
So my only advice would be to find someone professional to talk to, I'm sure there's specialist grief counsellors that have guided many people through this exact same situation. Sometimes it's just really good to have a safe space you can go to there you can be completely honest, where it's confidential so nothing you say can come back to haunt you later on (which unfortunately can be quite a risk if you're opening up to friends and family and I’ll also be honest that there were things I said to my counsellor that I’d never want my friends, or family, or wife, or kids to ever know and that those words should just stay there) and a place where you can be vulnerable and have a bit of a cry and then pull yourself together so you can go back out into the real world and be the Father, Husband, and workmate you need to be.
And would like to reiterate the advice before, keep moving forward, you will get through this.
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@Dodge said in Happiness Scale:
i have the Jordan Peterson phrase in my head the whole time that says 'your one job is to be the strongest man at your dads funeral'.
Firstly: fuck Jordan Peterson.
My Dad died over 10 years ago and I didn't deal with it properly because of similar factors you state: young kids, job, mortgage, wife etc. I was in my mid-30s, fit as a fiddle, in the prime of my life, and already going through the stress of selling a house. I didn't get any sort of help initially, and probably spent a couple of years in the wilderness, mentally speaking, trying to be The Tough Guy.
My wife was great and actually a little curious as to how my family subsequently conducted itself. There was no funeral, for example, which to my wife (raised with Italian maternal side) was almost criminal. My brother was around but he was more emotionally stunted than even I, and we've never had that kind of sibling relationship.
There are some days, yes, where you just have to get the fuck on with it, because the bills aren't going to pay themselves and your family still needs you.
But there are also going to be days that suck a fat one and you need to let them happen. It's part of the process.
Post above said look at a professional help and I'd agree - grief counselling might not make it suck less, but you'll get tools to recognise those periods of grief and how to work through it. Or even let it continue to suck for a bit because you're overwhelmed and need to let the water run out of the bath for a bit, so to speak.
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Anecdote: My wife is (finally) seeing a psych because of her own grief from losing both parents last year. She comes home from today's session and to my polite enquiry about how it went: "Oh she doesn't have kids so what the hell does she know?"
DON'T be that person. If you're going to engage help, have a healthy level of self-awareness about what you're there for. Don't discard it, even in casual conversation, because the brain will start to treat it as useless if you verbalise it.
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Some really brave and candid words here and I think a reflection on perhaps how we men do need that outlet and often hold things in too much.
But I go back to the Petersen quote, which I 100% agree with in terms of "at the funeral". This doesn't mean you have to hold your emotions in check at all times. Doesn't mean you shouldn't grieve or allow yourself to be vulnerable. Doesn't mean you shouldn't cry in front of other people. But on that day IMHO you should be strong.
I've been blessed enough to not have a parent die yet but I lost my wife to breast cancer 7 years ago. She was 41, I was 38 and my two boys 12 and 9. Believe me I didnt hold it in. I was absolutely crushed. I'm still haunted by having to tell my boys that Mamma would never get better. It's something that hits me every single day.
But on the day of the funeral I was strong and there for my boys and all the people who came. I wrote the eulogy and practiced it with enough tears to flood the house. But on that day I got up there and was strong because it wasn't about me, it was about her and my boys.
Sorry for the rambling, what I'm trying to say is that you have to grieve and you have to share your emotions. But there are times you should be strong. Nothing wrong with that either.
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@Rancid-Schnitzel said in Happiness Scale:
Some really brave and candid words here and I think a reflection on perhaps how we men do need that outlet and often hold things in too much.
But I go back to the Petersen quote, which I 100% agree with in terms of "at the funeral". This doesn't mean you have to hold your emotions in check at all times. Doesn't mean you shouldn't grieve or allow yourself to be vulnerable. Doesn't mean you shouldn't cry in front of other people. But on that day IMHO you should be strong.
I've been blessed enough to not have a parent die yet but I lost my wife to breast cancer 7 years ago. She was 41, I was 38 and my two boys 12 and 9. Believe me I didnt hold it in. I was absolutely crushed. I'm still haunted by having to tell my boys that Mamma would never get better. It's something that hits me every single day.
But on the day of the funeral I was strong and there for my boys and all the people who came. I wrote the eulogy and practiced it with enough tears to flood the house. But on that day I got up there and was strong because it wasn't about me, it was about her and my boys.
Sorry for the rambling, what I'm trying to say is that you have to grieve and you have to share your emotions. But there are times you should be strong. Nothing wrong with that either.
Jesus, fair play mate, devastating.
That echoes my views re funeral and beyond to be honest, same way I approached the wedding, it was my brother and his wife's day, but also their family and friends - it wasn't about me, and I feel like that about the funeral. I was the MC and best man so coordinated most of the day, as well as gave a non-normal best man speech. I got through it, positively, but Jesus did i crash the next day. I have the same view of the funeral, I'm also speaking on the day about dad and what he meant to all of us - i am worried about this but believe i can do it (I also spoke at my father in law's funeral - so have a base to work from).
I don't want to spend my entire life pretending i'm fine when i'm not, its obviously still raw and settling into normal life is when reality has begun to hit me, but choosing the moments to crumble is tough - definitely worried i might collapse completely if i totally let it in.
Can I just say, i really appreciate this place and you guys, the honesty above is pretty special and has made a difference to me. Thanks chaps.
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@Dodge said in Happiness Scale:
just read through this thread for the first time in a while, some genuine honesty here that's pretty humbling to read.
My dad died unexpectedly 2 months ago, and my bro got married in aus less than 3 weeks later, its been a whirlwind and not in a good way. My mum was amazing through the weeks after his death but is now struggling in a big way and its heart breaking, she's a good 1hr 30 mins away from me and given my bro lives in Aus its basically down to me to look after her.
I haven't begun to deal with the loss of my dad, i don't know where to start. But i have the Jordan Peterson phrase in my head the whole time that says 'your one job is to be the strongest man at your dads funeral'.
I have a stressful job, two youngish kids and a wife who lost her own dad 3 years ago and is also grieving for mine. I have a mum who is facing the prospect of living the rest of her life without her partner and best friend - they all need me.
I know that losing a parent is a natural part of life, and I understand the challenge that says 'you're putting a lot of expectation on yourself to be there for everyone else' and lots of messages above talk about the need to look after yourself in these moments and make sure you manage your own mental health, my question is how? What do you stop doing? I can't talk to many people about it because they're either grieving or looking after their own situations, and frankly i'm not sure how talking about it helps, it just opens the door to the wider feelings which are then harder to get back in the box.
I will be strong, but i'm not sure what to do to be honest.
I just want to give you the biggest of hugs right now.
No words to help but I’m thinking of you mate!! Miss our London catch ups
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@canefan said in Happiness Scale:
@booboo said in Happiness Scale:
chilling
There's something comforting about open fire
Incredibly still night with single figure temps. Great night to chill while burning stuff😀
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@booboo said in Happiness Scale:
@canefan said in Happiness Scale:
@booboo said in Happiness Scale:
chilling
There's something comforting about open fire
Incredibly still night with single figure temps. Great night to chill while burning stuff😀
Just need some strong spirits
Happiness Scale
