Modern Day Parenting

Rembrandt

Bloody fascinating read this, no kids for me, just out of a long term relationship so still a good few years away. The bullying and fighting thing has always intrigued me with kids, I was tiny at highschool so was an easy target, this unfortunately coincided with my parents divorce so was a pretty dark time which I nearly didn't get through. Looking back years later I realised that I just needed to stand up for myself but I was conditioned at home, school and church not to do that. Now I wonder if I had a kid who was being bullied what my advice would be. Part of me would be wanting to tell him to smack the kid as hard as he can in the nose, but of course the flip side of that is what if he got a taste for that sort of power and became as bad as the bullies. I certainly don't envy your job as parents, I love babysitting my nephew and nieces but it's always easier when you can give them back!

Hooroo

<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="Rembrandt" data-cid="550949" data-time="1452048054">
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. Part of me would be wanting to tell him to smack the kid as hard as he can in the nose,
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My mum told me to do that when I was 5 years old as the neighbour was bullying me for probably only a day. The next day whack! popped him right in the nose when he started up. That was the end of the bullying. I never had it in me to bully others so didn't effect me.

taniwharugby

only time I have thrown a punch in anger was when I was in Standard 4, and a kid had been bullying some little kids, so I hit him...got called into the headmasters office the next day, he looked at me, smiled and said 'well done' but please don't do it again.
 
Many years later (as in about 8 years ago) we were having issues with our neighbours, I went round at midnight to ask them to turn the music down, and the brother of the losers living there said hey I know you...guess who it was!
 
Haha, he never said anything so who knows if he remembered, but his bro-in-law, I later found out was ex-Black Power (we've since moved)

Godder

I was bullied at school as a 7 year old, got punched in the face a few times at school including a bleeding nose, but the teachers did nothing when I complained. I told a friend about it and asked him what to do, so he showed me - he walked straight over to this bully, grabbed him by the shoulders and kneed him between the legs, and left him writhing on the ground. The next time this little punk started up, I grabbed him by the shoulders and kneed him between the legs, and left him writhing on the ground. Never had an issue again.
 
If I have kids, my current theory is to teach them self-defence/martial arts, and teach them to tell me and complain to the school, but if that doesn't work, to give them permission to let the bully have it.

NTA

<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="Godder" data-cid="550966" data-time="1452056672">
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I was bullied at school as a 7 year old, got punched in the face a few times at school including a bleeding nose, but the teachers did nothing when I complained. I told a friend about it and asked him what to do, so he showed me - he walked straight over to this bully, grabbed him by the shoulders and kneed him between the legs, and left him writhing on the ground. The next time this little punk started up, I grabbed him by the shoulders and kneed him between the legs, and left him writhing on the ground. Never had an issue again.
 
If I have kids, my current theory is to teach them self-defence/martial arts, and teach them to tell me and complain to the school, but if that doesn't work, to give them permission to let the bully have it.
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Yep - the three stages of suppressing a bully: Ignore, Tell, Retaliate.

No Quarter

I wasn't sure how much traction this thread would get but it's been a really good read. Thanks for the honest replies and opinions guys, none of the bullshit "my kids are perfect and I'm the greatest parent ever" crap you get elsewhere. It is good to know I am not the only one with a child bordering on insane, and that others have many of the same concerns that I do. 
Reading this reminds me of what a colleague said when I told him my wife was pregnant. "Don't worry mate, they say it's only hard for the first 21 years..." I don't think he was joking in hindsight.

canefan

Anyone that tells you they have perfect kids is either full of shit or on high doses of mind altering drugs

Godder

<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="canefan" data-cid="551015" data-time="1452077839">
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Anyone that tells you they have perfect kids is either full of shit or on high doses of mind altering drugs
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Or have really low standards... It must theoretically be possible - enough people have enough kids over time that the law of large numbers seems applicable. Not that that's much consolation when your child is throwing a tantrum in the mall...

jegga

<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="canefan" data-cid="551015" data-time="1452077839">Anyone that tells you they have perfect kids is either full of shit or on high doses of mind altering drugs</blockquote>
 
Or their kids are dosed to the eyeballs with Ritalin. 
Ever had childless people offer you parenting advice or turn up at bath/bed time and expect you to alter your routine to have a beer with them ? 
Grounds for justifiable jomocide right there 
A book I'd recommend reading is the whitewater rafting year by Ian grant , growing great boys by Celia Lashlie is pretty good too.

canefan

<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="Godder" data-cid="551016" data-time="1452078021">Or have really low standards... It must theoretically be possible - enough people have enough kids over time that the law of large numbers seems applicable. Not that that's much consolation when your child is throwing a tantrum in the mall...</blockquote>Its like the so called "relaxed parents", it is another way of saying negligent. I have mates who let their boys run riot and if we were living in the time of my parents I'd take them over my knee and give them a hiding for the shit they get up to

jegga

<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="canefan" data-cid="551019" data-time="1452078395">Its like the so called "relaxed parents", it is another way of saying negligent. I have mates who let their boys run riot and if we were living in the time of my parents I'd take them over my knee and give them a hiding for the shit they get up to</blockquote>
 
Yep " relaxed" means lazy or negligent or both . I've got a mate that's had a few foster kids and reckons they actually long for a bit of discipline and structure in their lives . Also parents following through on the things they say they are going to do good or bad

canefan

<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="jegga" data-cid="551021" data-time="1452078909">
I've got a mate that's had a few foster kids and reckons they actually long for a bit of discipline and structure in their lives . Also parents following through on the things they say they are going to do good or bad</blockquote>All kids crave and need discipline structure and consistency in their lives. It extends to everything from feeding time to bath time to bed time, children like adults are creatures of habit. I agree they also need limits or rules, and if those rules are broken they need to understand there are consequences to their actions. I always try to follow through on my threats. Their mother however is very adept at undermining me...

NTA

<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="canefan" data-cid="551015" data-time="1452077839">
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Anyone that tells you they have perfect kids is either full of shit or on high doses of mind altering drugs
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Or they're a woman, speaking to other women who aren't necessarily their friends. Bitchez be crazy 'bout what everyone else thinks about them. No idea why - those fuckers don't matter, and your friends don't care.

jegga

<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="canefan" data-cid="551024" data-time="1452079571">All kids crave and need discipline structure and consistency in their lives. It extends to everything from feeding time to bath time to bed time, children like adults are creatures of habit. I agree they also need limits or rules, and if those rules are broken they need to understand there are consequences to their actions. I always try to follow through on my threats. Their mother however is very adept at undermining me...</blockquote>
 
Following through on the good shit you say you are going to do is just as important IMHO , my ex has blown that with my boy by building him up saying she is going to or give him something cool , soaking up all the praise and not following through on it. Last year she told him she was going to take him camping for a week, we stopped at every camping and hunting and fishing store between our place and New Plymouth while we were on holiday so he could suss out stuff to take with him. Dropped him off at his mums and she gave me a call asking if I could have him for a week because she wanted to go camping obviously without him . That was the final straw for my son , what might not seem such a big deal to an adult can be a huge deal to a kid especially since she told him he could bring a friend who he also had to let down when she didn't follow through .

NTA

<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="jegga" data-cid="551026" data-time="1452080342">
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Following through on the good shit you say you are going to do is just as important IMHO , my ex has blown that with my boy by building him up saying she is going to or give him something cool , soaking up all the praise and not following through on it. Last year she told him she was going to take him camping for a week, we stopped at every camping and hunting and fishing store between our place and New Plymouth while we were on holiday so he could suss out stuff to take with him. Dropped him off at his mums and she gave me a call asking if I could have him for a week because she wanted to go camping obviously without him . That was the final straw for my son , what might not seem such a big deal to an adult can be a huge deal to a kid especially since she told him he could bring a friend who he also had to let down when she didn't follow through .
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Letting the kid down is bad enough, but making a fluffybunny out of him in front of his mate(s) is unforgivable. 
 
I see it with divorced mates of mine, where the mother has primary custody and the father gets every 2nd weekend and school holidays. Its fucked because he tries to impose simple rules e.g. limit the sweets, but the Mum gets all stressed about trying to enforce that kind of "discipline" and lets the kid run amok. Plus some of the Mum's see it as a point scoring exercise.
 
Another problem that can happen with getting the parenting balance right is dealing with hormonal fluctuations from the mother. PMT is a thing and sometimes they let it shift the boundaries out (lax discipline) or in (explosions) and that can not only confuse kids, but wreck progress.
 
I'll be giving the boy the lowdown on the whole PMT thing like my Dad never did. I don't get it right all the time, but by fuck I've woken up to myself in the last few years.

mooshld

Thanks for the responses, I am not sure about mimicking his tantrums as I think hes a bit young to understand. I am hoping that when he has a few more words to use he won't be so frustrated. If I had my way I would just hold him so he was standing until he had cried his little eyes out. But the misses won't stand for that. He screams like hes being hurt when really hes just smart enough to know that will get him released and he can carry on until mum comes for a cuddle. What really shits me though is that when I am not there and they act up I get continuous texts complaining about their behaviour but I try and change it and I am the bad guy again. Can't win!
 
Will have a sit down with the misses to clear the air at some stage this week and come up with a unified strategy as this can't go on or he will hurt himself properly.
 
I take solace in knowing some of you poor pricks have daughters.

taniwharugby

Unified front is absolutely key, sadly like you say, when you aren't there or for some when the Missus isn't there, path of least resistance often works better for 5 mins peace.

jegga

<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="mooshld" data-cid="551038" data-time="1452086276">
Thanks for the responses, I am not sure about mimicking his tantrums as I think hes a bit young to understand. I am hoping that when he has a few more words to use he won't be so frustrated. If I had my way I would just hold him so he was standing until he had cried his little eyes out. But the misses won't stand for that. He screams like hes being hurt when really hes just smart enough to know that will get him released and he can carry on until mum comes for a cuddle. What really shits me though is that when I am not there and they act up I get continuous texts complaining about their behaviour but I try and change it and I am the bad guy again. Can't win! 
Will have a sit down with the misses to clear the air at some stage this week and come up with a unified strategy as this can't go on or he will hurt himself properly. 
I take solace in knowing some of you poor pricks have daughters.</blockquote>
 
A mate of mine who I reckon is a great dad had some good tips when my boy was small , one of my favourites was what he called " big boy" ie " do you want dad to spoon feed or or can you do it yourself like a big boy?" Most kids are going to jump at the chance to be a "big boy" . Little boy works too , you can't overuse it obviously but it's handy when you sang to coerce a kid into doing what you want with a minimum of fuss and they do eventually grow out on it. Maybe when he has a few more words and he says he wants to do something you could say it's a big boy thing and if he tries to say he's a big boy point out only little boys throw themselves on the ground and scream? Worth a try it's as manipulative as hell but its your sanity and peace that's at stake here . 
OAS for the parents of girls , I've two mates who both have two girls only and one poor bastard who has three . My boy was talking to one of them a few years back and I caught him saying to one of him 
" where are you going to build your compound?" 
"What do you mean?'" 
"Well dad said if I was a girl he'd have built a compound in the hills by thd tme I was 14 to keep teenage boys away....." 
That was awkward with the guys mrs and mine too, my mate understood.

No Quarter

On the united front, I agree it's incredibly important. I am always happy to let my boy have his tantrums and calm down on his own, as I figure that is an important thing for him to learn, but the wife is always desperate to pick him up, cuddle him and give him what he wants as she can't stand to see him so upset. As moohsld mentioned, he sometimes screams as if we are hurting him which makes me think the neighbors might call CYF on us at times! As I mentioned earlier he is really picking on mum now, every time he doesn't get what he wants he screams for her. Every time you give into one of their tantrums you are just reinforcing that behavior. I am very very keen to iron that out ASAP but if the missus isn't on the same page it makes it nearly impossible.
 
I feel for guys that are not with the kids mother anymore, trying to enforce discipline but being undermined by her all the time. My brother is in that situation. When he was potty training his boy he said that whenever he is at his place, he is absolutely fine, but whenever he is at mums place he has heaps of accidents. Just makes a tough job even tougher.

NTA

<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="No Quarter" data-cid="551059" data-time="1452112337">
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On the united front, I agree it's incredibly important. I am always happy to let my boy have his tantrums and calm down on his own, as I figure that is an important thing for him to learn, but the wife is always desperate to pick him up, cuddle him and give him what he wants 
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Rewarding that kind of behaviour will only go one place.
 
At the boy's 2nd birthday party, he got one of those big plastic cars, and was sitting in it when his cousin (female 5 months younger) toddled over and scratched him down the face. Mrs TA and I were livid. Kid's mother (wife of the bogan brother-in-law) picked her up and said "No! Don't scratch people!" then proceeded to shower her in kisses and carried her around for the next 10 minutes.
 
What kind of behaviour do you think THAT teaches? Sure enough, she's now a little turd because of that style of parenting. Boganity is a calling, and she's running straight at it, the ugly little shit.

The Silver Fern

Modern Day Parenting