Bad/Lame Jokes
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Two Irishmen flying in a biplane, one says to the other “If we fly upside down, will we fall out?” His mate says “No Paddy, we’ve been friends for years.”
I thought it was the washing machine shrinking my clothes... Turns out it is the refrigerator. I never repeat gossip: so listen carefully the first time.
I went to the Missing Persons Bureau. No one was there.
Went to the hairdressers today and said I'd like the Beach Boys cut... ...the guy said you need to see Barber Ann.
St. Peter was at the pearly gates, making his usual list of names of people waiting to get into heaven. The first man walked up and Peter asked, "Who are you?" "It's me, Albert Jones," the voice replied. St. Peter took his name and let him in. St. Peter asked the second one the second same question, "And who are you?" "It's me, Charlie Anderson." St. Peter took his name and let him in. Finally he turns to the third, asking the same question, "Who are you?" "It is I, Vera Chapman," answered the third. "Oh, great," muttered St. Peter. "Another English teacher."
An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented, “These are very good! You must have a good camera”. He didn’t make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said, “That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots.”
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counsellor. When asked to describe his 2 loves, he noted that one was a great poet, and the other made delicious pancakes. “Oh”, said the counsellor, “I see what the problem is. You can’t decide whether to marry for batter or verse”.
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A man with severe headaches went to the doctor.
The doctor examined him and eventually said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches but the bad news is that you have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only solution is to remove the testicles.”
The man was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He thought for a while, but decided he had no choice but to go through with it.
Afterwards, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he still felt sad that he was missing a part of himself. As he walked down the street he saw a men’s clothing store and thought he needed a new suit.
An elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said: “Let’s see, you’re a size 44 long”.
The man replied: “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!” the salesman said.
The man tried on the suit and it fit perfectly. The tailor asked: “How about a new shirt?” The man nodded his head.
“Let’s see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve,” the salesman said. The man was surprised again that the shirt fit perfectly as well.
The salesman then asked: “How about new underwear?” The man nodded again.
The salesman stepped back, eyed the man’s waist and said: “Let’s see, size 36.”
The man laughed and replied: “Finally I’ve got you! I’ve worn size 32 since I was 18-years-old.”
The tailor shook his head and answered: “You can’t wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”