Three dead fiances is seriously tough. No wonder you are struggling mate. Great that you have the kids - lean on them, my dad does on me and it is kind of mutual benefit. Kia Kaha.
TBH, there are other events in my life that have sadly had more impact in terms of PTSD but I've been managing things fairly successfully for the last 25 years. I do think surviving the excesses of the late 80s and early 90s was my Keith Richards type of foundation (what does not kill you only makes you more immune etc etc)
My kids (38, 27 and 18 respectively) are all living in France along with their mother, at the vineyard where I had hoped to be living in semi-retirement, doing the occasional bit of consulting.
I speak to the eldest every second day via Skype or with the family via Discord, as I have done for the last 5 years so even the current circumstances haven't changed our international bubble as it were.
Since I've been back in NZ however, I've pretty much decided that once I'm back on my feet financially (approximately 2-3 years is the estimate) and the investments in Europe start generating income again (much more modest than it was up to 10 months ago), I'll be looking to spend 6-9 months in France and return to NZ for late springs, summers and early autumn.
I've simplified my lifestyle significantly, and I have 90% of the possessions that will keep me well occupied physically and mentally, so it's now more about reconnecting with my siblings (most of whom live in the greater Wellington area) and getting on with the projects that keep me going intellectually.
One thing I am looking forward to down the road is being able to enjoy the fruits of the vineyard in France - my eldest daughter managed to get through my entire accumulated personal cellar (some 30 years worth of cellaring) in the first 18 months after she moved there and I only get one case of each vintage shipped per year.
I do miss hitting Paris with gusto with the girls, but as we've found, the collective Bast clan memory is deep enough and at times sober enough to provide a great deal of good times recall.
I hope that this post is a little more uplifting for Ferners. just typing it has helped me put things into perspective as well. The future is somewhat more tangible as a result.
I do have a nice archive of ever y AB test win from November 2004 to 2018 as well as every decent NZ cricket test performance from the McCullum era onwards to fall back on. And I can always refer to a letter I received from my favourite Batsman of all time who went through his own personal hell, encouraging me to keep looking up and onwards. I don't collect memorabilia at all, but if I did, I'd be angling for a DF bat of Marty's.